s0 I gOt d0UB1E-DoG-dArED iNT0 rEvIEwINg FOUR LOKO 2nIghT. (I was going to write this whole post like that at the awesome suggestion of the Crazy Cat Lady, but I don't have all night!) Did you guess the instigator? Yep, Ed Roberts put me up to it. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised after he asked for a Bud Select 55 review. I had never even heard of this stuff until the day he initially threw out the challenge. Then it came up again today as I've been hearing an outcry against this drink and how it's being marketed.
Next step was to figure out where to buy it. Apparently, gas stations are good places, ironically. So I went next door to my office to the Chevron. Yes, wow, you really have been paying attention for a long time. It's the same Chevron where those two girls were murdered last year. Ugh! I was looking around the beverage coolers a little since I had never even seen a can before either.
While I was looking, another dude came in and snagged a Steel Reserve 211 High Gravity Beer. He kinda looked at me to see if I was watching--not sure why. You can see a picture of that beer here if you want. Anyway, I eventually located the Four Loko and had to choose between Lemonade, Watermelon and Punch flavors. I chose watermelon. The cashier said, "Isn't that strong?" To which I replied that I had no idea and that this was for someone else. Hahaha. I lied to her! I paid cash to avoid a trail, and she nicely put my purchase in the obligatory brown can-sized bag and sent me on my way. In that bag, like I was really going to open it at 9 am. On the way out, I saw Steel Reserve guy sipping his, though.
Back in my office, Four Loko was further disguised in a Pei Wei bag I had laying around before putting it in the back of our work fridge. Let's be happy today wasn't a snooping day around there! Or worse, fridge cleaning day!
Just before getting started with this review, I found out that my friend Hannah from KegWorks was doing her own independent review of Four Loko Blue Raspberry. Crazy right? Anyway, I'm getting started with this review now. Not sure if the correct term for this is brewed or not, but Four Loko Watermelon is a "Premium Malt Beverage" made by the Drink Four Brewing Company in La Crosse, Wisconsin. And you thought they only made cheese. Here's a bit of info they put together for you, probably in response to the negative shit-storm they are facing now.
The neon green and red can surprised me with its shocking colors and 23.5 oz size. The can also seems to be bragging about its artificial flavors. Ingredients include guarana, taurine, caffeine and FD&C Red #40. Oh, and as the top of the can repeats over and over, alcohol, 12.0%. Finally, there is a nice little badge that says "WE ID".
Fizzy pour, like a soda. Electric pinkish red color. Very fruity aroma, sweet soda and watermelon. Oh no! This is so sickeningly sweet. It is extremely obvious that the sweetness is there to cover up and mask the huge amount of alcohol that is still there in all its boozy glory. Intense fake Jolly Rancher watermelon candy flavors followed by a horrible drying event. There are no other flavors; there are no redeeming qualities about this drink; it was not enjoyable in the slightest. I dumped it after 4 or 5 ounces. Not undrinkable but it would have been difficult to finish. Therefore, I think it's completely reasonable to assume the only thing this is good for is getting wasted, which I think is utter stupidness. Of course, that is my opinion and I know you guys don't always see mouth to mouth with me! I drank this so you don't need to. Remember that. Oh, and Ed, you owe me three bucks! LOL.
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